Unseen Pain

Recently, I have spoken to colleagues or others who had a friend to die. The sadness which was expressed or seen is real and it led me to share this devotional writing.

I certainly have had close friends to die. A particular friend; comes to mind in writing this. She and I taught at the same school and our classrooms were down the hall from each other. I had met her family and she had met mine. We enjoyed time together as colleagues and as friends outside of our work environment. Over the years our friendship grew and grew.

Then one day she phoned, and I knew something was wrong. She told me she had “brain cancer.”  It was a jolt of horrific news that left us both speechless. There were times of treatment, moments of tears and joy, as I supported her through this journey. Until one day, she succumbed to the dreaded disease.

The day I learned of it, I was leaving church and noticed I had missed a call. Before I started my car, I retrieved the message. It was from her husband, who stated Susan had died that previous night. I remember the flood of grief, pain and loss as tears rolled down my face. I sat in the car and wept. I thought, “oh, no, Susan, you can’t be gone. I was coming to see you after church today.”  Yet, there was no visit to be made because the news was true, she was gone. Thus, that path of grief was deep, painful, and at times “misunderstood.”   This loss is what is called or descried as “Disenfranchised Grief”

Ken Doka coined the term “Disenfranchised Grief” many years ago. He defined it as “Grief that person’s experience when they experience a loss that is not or cannot be openly, socially or publicly mourned.” Or in other words, it does not fit the assumed grief response individually or socially expected. It should be noted that there are those who are related to us, that our grief response is not as impactful as the loss of the person who was not related. Friendships can be closer than family relations.

Sometimes losing a close friend can be a deep pain and loss others may not recognize or acknowledge because they were not a family member. Therefore, many can sometimes feel that they grieve in silence and alone. Over the years, as much more understanding and insight on the issue of “grief” has come on the scene, I am sure the “disenfranchisement” of grieving a friend is still very much present. So, what can one do?

First, let us give thanks for the those we have befriended and who graced our lives with their presence. How there are wonderful moments and memories that bring warmth to our hearts, and eventually those memories will be strength and not painful sadness. So, this sends encouragement to all who can relate and may be experiencing the sadness of “Disenfranchised Grief.” 

The scripture from Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning,” gives us hope and encouragement that our grief will subside, and we will be able to cope.

Heavenly Father, give your peace, strength, and comfort to all those who grieve these losses, and may you give them JOY in the morning.

Amen